Friends and Links

5 Tips on How to Have that Critical Conversation You're Too Afraid to Have

By Carey Nieuwhof

Pastor, Connexus Church and Author of Lasting Impact: 7 Powerful Conversations That Will Help Your Church Grow

There are always conversations you need to have but you don’t know how to have. It’s true in life and it’s very true in leadership.

How do you talk about the fact that so much needs to change in your church?

How do you get your somewhat resistant board to open their minds to new possibilities?

As a leader, you’ve probably already flagged more than a few issues you would love to talk about with your team.  Issues such as:

Why is our church not growing faster?

How healthy is our team (really)?

Why is it so hard to attract and keep high capacity volunteers?

What’s happening in our culture that we might not be responding to?

What are we actually prepared to change around here?

Maybe the future belongs to the churches that are willing to have the most honest conversations at a critical time. That's what my new book, Lasting Impact is designed to facilitate.

So, how do you get started? What do you say? And what happens if people disagree or things get heated?

5 Tips on How to Have That Critical Conversation You're Too Afraid to Have

Here are 5 tips that can help.

1. Frame the issue thoughtfully and in advance

 People hate to be caught off guard by a challenging conversation.

Understanding what’s on the table before you get to the table helps so much.

If you’re talking about a chronic issue that your church needs to address or a topic that can help lead you into a better future, framing the issue well and framing it in advance is critical. It helps everyone show up having thought through what’s at stake.

2. Stay clear about what you’re discussing

I personally find one of the greatest challenges of having conversations with leaders is keeping people focused.

How do you combat that? Write down the exact points you want to cover to keep you and your team focused.

And don’t just keep it to yourself. State what you hope to accomplish in the meeting so when you leave you know you made progress.

If you know ahead of time what you want to accomplish, you are far more likely to accomplish it. People will also feel their time has been much better spent. 

3. Attack problems, not people

If you’re really having an intense discussion (and you should be having these if you want to make progress), emotions may get heated.

When they do, make sure you attack problems, not people. It can be so easy to personalize conflict. We do it in our marriages all the time when we say things like “You always…” or “You never…”.

Big mistake.

Let the people you’re talking with know that you’re for them, and what you’re trying to do is to attack a problem together

4. Empathize with opposing views

I went to law school. It’s instinctive to me to dismiss an opposing point of view immediately. I can even come up with 5 reasons why their idea is a bad idea pretty quickly.

But when you do that, you don’t gain ground; you lose it.

A better approach is to actually show empathy for the opposing point of view.

Instead of saying “I can’t believe you won’t let that tradition go. That’s crazy!” what about saying “I can understand why that would be difficult to give that up. I’m sure if I were in your shoes, I would feel the same way. But what do you think about the people we’re trying to reach? Do you think our old strategy is the best strategy with which to engage them?”

Do you see the difference?

5. Find an outside voice to help

It’s one thing for you as a leader to float your ideas. And often you need to do that.

But it can also create tension because many leaders end up defending their ideas.

As a result, again and again in my time in leadership, I’ve solicited outside voices to help us arrive in a new place as a team.

The least expensive way to find an outside voice? Read a book together. Our teams have read many books together over the years.

That’s Why I Wrote Lasting Impact

When I wrote Lasting Impact, I crafted every chapter with team discussion in mind.

I hope the book can give teams and boards a chance to agree or disagree with someone who’s not the room in the hopes that you can agree together on what God is calling you to do next. Plus, I tried to cover the 7 issues almost every church of every size needs to tackle as they try to move forward.

As a special bonus, if you order your copy of Lasting Impact between October 6th and October 13th, you’ll get the free audio version of the book for free. Just go to www.lastingimpactbook.com after you order and fill out the bonus claim form.

Here’s hoping your future is filled with great conversations that will move your mission forward. 

Top 40 Christian Communicators in the US

5 Gears - A New Productivity Book to Check Out

5 Gears: How to Be Present and Productive When There Is Never Enough Time

My good friends Jeremie Kubicek and Steve Cockram, founders of GiANT Worldwide, have written a book you'll want to read. This new book will help you develop a rhythm and routine for your life that allows you to be productive at the right time of the day, as well as shift gears to be truly present with your family and fully recharge. 

People around the world struggle with work/ life balance. It is difficult to be productive and manage the relational dynamics of staying connected with others, while consistently recharging personally. 5 Gears came to light as Jeremie Kubicek and Steve Cockram applied what they learned through their own experiences and their work with leaders around the globe. It is a powerful concept that has the ability to radically change the way you live and lead.

While many people focus on adding a new time management method to their life, Kubicek and Cockram have gone to the source of conflict and created a common language, that if implemented, will decrease drama and insecurity and replace it with a secure confidence that people everywhere need.

The leaders of GiANT Worldwide, Kubicek and Cockram share stories of successful transformation, leadership skill, and help you master the art of being present with those you lead. The 5 Gears are highly transferrable and are designed to be sticky and memorable. You will inevitably experience these results as you add your own story of what being in the right gear at the right time does to your influence and respect.

"5 Gears will profoundly change the way you see yourself and your interaction with others in every area of your life. How many books do that?" — PATRICK LENCIONI, President, The Table Group; author, The Five Dysfunctions of a Team and The Advantage

About the Authors:

JEREMIE KUBICEK is co-founder of GiANT Worldwide and the GiANT companies. He is a bestselling author of Making Your Leadership Come Alive and speaker to organizations throughout the world on transformational leadership, emotional intelligence, and personal growth. He currently resides in Oklahoma City with his wife and three children.

STEVE COCKRAM is co-founder of GiANT Worldwide and a recognized expert on personality development, applied leadership learning and culture change with executive teams and
organizations around the world. Steve is a sought- after speaker and teacher on apprenticeship, personality development and team building. He resides in London with his wife and three children.

A Few Ways the 5 Gears book will help you:

- Designed to help people conquer work/life balance
- Master the art of being present and productive
- Learn how to connect with those around you
- Learn how to be in the right gear in the right time… social, work, rest, etc.
- Learn how to fully recharge & be at your best
- Reconnect with your kids/spouse/family
- Build better relationships at work
- Maximize your influence
- Hard skills alone do not make you influential - emotional intelligence & your ability to connect does.
- Discover the most common pitfalls when it comes to connectivity, leadership and influence
- With Google and Youtube, information mastery is no longer enough...your ability to build and maintain authentic relationships with others is the competitive advantage.

Order the book today!

Young Influencers List, August Edition

Here you go, the August edition of the Young Influencers List.

1. Britt Nilsson- former bachelorette, aspiring actress, and World Vision sponsor advocate and spokesperson.

2. Todd Adkins- director of Leadership at LifeWay, co-host of the 5 Leadership Questions Podcast, and keeper of Ministry Grid.

3. Drew Bodine- worship leader at Central Christian Church in Las Vegas.

4. Eric Brown and Taylor Jones- co-founders of Whiteboard, an interactive branding agency in Chattanooga.

5. Annie BrooksColorado based photog, artist and creative designer, and the other part of the duo of Brumley and Wells wedding photography.

6. Lance Villio- Nashville based executive director of Q Ideas.

7. Rich Perezpastor of Christ Crucified Fellowship in NYC.

Young Influencers List, July Edition

Here you go, the July edition of the Young Influencers List. You can see all the past month's lists here.

1. Allen and Ayaka Lu- San Francisco based founders of social enterprise Lev Made, and also most recently Allen produced the well known documentary Linsanity featuring NBA player Jeremy Lin.

2. d'Artagnan Crockett- RIO bound bronze medalist Olympic athlete, & world champion Judo wrestler, and amazing story of overcoming many obstacles, including losing his sight.

3. Harrison Conley- executive pastor of Cottonwood Church in LA.

4. Chad Cannon- Nashville based strategist and former VP of marketing at Thomas Nelson, and now founder of Chadwick Cannon Agency, a full service digital marketing firm.

5. Jacob Brooks- Colorado based artist and photog, founder of Brumley and Wells, a well respected Wedding Photography brand.

6. Will Bakke- award winning filmmaker, writer and director of Believe Me, and co-founder and managing partner of Riot Studios.

7. Eden Chen- LA based business, finance and investment guru, founder of Fishermen Labs, working on innovative tech and augmented reality futuristic stuff.