My Top Ten Rules for Flying

I’m going on a RANT!!!!!

I’ve talked before on the Blog about some simple common sense rules for flying, but thought I would bring this issue up again. It’s too important not too…..

Reality is, most people shouldn’t fly on airplanes because they simply lack airplane etiquette. I have flown in the last 15 years around 750,000 miles, on basically every carrier, and visited 12 countries and almost every US state. Many of you have flown much, much more than me, and have way more experience and insight, so feel free to add your own points to this ever evolving list. Power to the flying people on this one. Will make a good coffee table book in the future…..

First: The TEN (actually Twelve) people I try and avoid when flying……

1. The middle armrest hog- here’s the deal, middle seat boy always gets first right of refusal on armchair left and armchair right of their seat. If someone is sitting in the middle, the least you can do is allow them to have elbow space. Leaner Larry sitting in the aisle seat has no right to invade your space, nor does Window Wally.

2. Quick draw cellphone man- seriously, this annoys me to no end. Wheels down and cellphone on. Can you wait at least a few minutes before getting on your cell phone and talking as loud as possible so that you seem somewhat important to those around you, when we all know that all you did was just call the person most likely to answer so that you could act like something was incredibly important and couldn’t wait. Give me a break. How about 5 minutes of downtime before you jump back into cell phone land- and start making calls once you are off the plane.

3.  Can’t quit chatting Cathy- is it really necessary that you talk on your phone until the flight attendant has to tell you to turn it off, at which moment you act like you are done and then jump right back on the same phone call. You are such a rebel…. Stop it. Whatever it is can wait. Stop it now.

4. Move forward 1 or 2 rows when you are in the back Marvin- there is an unwritten rule in airplane etiquette- upon arriving at the gate, you cannot advance more than one row past where you were sitting, unless previously allowed through announcement or special circumstances authorized only by the senior flight attendant or captain. Otherwise, stay in your row, and beyond that, just stay in your seat. Is it really that important that you save 7 seconds by moving forward and hacking everyone off? Foreigners are the typical culprits on this one…. there needs to be an international handbook on etiquette written immediately, if not sooner.

5. Nothing to read, write, or do Danny- honestly, you are on a three hour flight and brought nothing with you to work on, watch, read, write, or listen to. Are you serious? So the entire flight you try to sleep, but can’t, so instead you just annoy everyone around you. Buy an ipod, or a walkman, or at least a newspaper.

6. Tommy Turnaround- the guy in front of me on a number of occasions actually turned around and sat on his armchair facing me, sitting high and looking over the back of his chair. He was reading a book, but it was still creepy.

7. Larry the shoulder Leaner- Larry is in the middle, I am in the aisle, and he leans on me as he falls asleep. All over my shoulder. Actually all over me in general. Multiple elbows, throat clears, and side swipes don’t seem to alleviate the issue.

8. Wrong Way Wes- so you know how everybody stands up when the plane gets to the gate, even though you still have 5 minutes before you are even thinking of exiting the plane. So Wes decides to stand up, and then instead of facing towards the front of the plane like everyone else, he decides to stand and look in my direction, towards the back of the plane. Multiple minutes of trying to avoid eye contact at close range is a difficult task!

9. Pulls on my seat to get up Paul- this guy kills me. The headrest part of my seat is not designed for you to grab when you are getting up out of your seat behind me. And it’s also not meant to grab when you are walking down the aisle to the bathroom.

10. Butt in my face Barry and Carry on Carrie- Usually they are together, or even the same person. Can you please be conscious of where your rear end and other parts are being placed when you are lifting that 100 lb carry on bag up into the luggage bins. And while I’m at it, your carry on is supposed to fit neatly in the bins above, not fitting by spending 15 minutes cramming it in using all possible means necessary, along with two flight attendants with hammers and wrenches…. And finally, your carry on luggage is not meant to be rolled down the aisle like you are in the Airport lobby. Pick it up and carry it. You hit everyone in the knees and the feet on the way down the aisle and also catch the carry on bag strap 13 times on the arm rests.

11. My kids are your kids Kelly- you know this one, right? The parent who changes the dirty diaper right next to you, as well as naturally feeds their children in clear sight, and also allows them to basically make your flight a complete living hell for 3-4 hours because of screaming, crying, crawling, grasping, and sucking all life out of you.

12. No touch Norm- a simple problem. Norm thinks that by pushing much harder on the monitor display (on the back of your seat) with his fingers, that somehow the channels will change quicker and the volume will adjust easier. He also fails to show any sense of touch when readjusting his trayback table into the back of your seat.

And now…. Here is my TOP TEN list of rules for flights over 3 hours in length.

1. On any flights over 3 hours, airlines must use a plane with two aisles. This should be implemented by the FAA, FCC, CNN, ABC, and all major airlines and organizations. Seriously.

2. Has to be tv screens for every person on the flight in the back of the seat in front of you. Please. No more of the middle screen that only shows one thing that everybody has to watch.

3. On on that note, No LAME movies. Give us something that is worth at least watching if there is absolutely nothing else to do. Can’t somebody screen these?? If they were horrible at the box office, that doesn’t mean they are going to be blockbusters on a plane.

4. On a flight over 3 hrs, don’t make me pay $2 for a freakin set of cheap headphones, and $8 for a freakin bag of sunchips. That is ridiculous. And at least give me something to snack on besides customized biscoff cookies. Come on.

5. Every hour, there must be mandatory stretching for certain sections of the plane. This should be coordinated by the flight attendants. With exercises that are easily implemented – such as toe curling, neck rubs and firm handshakes.

6. There HAS to be a game coordinated by the pilot that incorporates everyone on the plane, provides entertainment, and takes up at least 30 minutes of time. Could be a mystery game, trivia, or if you are single, a dating game.

7. Random prizes must be given away every 30 minutes. You might call it door prizes or raffles or whatever, but this would really make the experience better.

8. Mandatory baby sections on flights over three hours. All in the same segment of seats, in the back of the plane, where they can scream together. Maybe white noise through the air filtration system to drown out the screaming if possible. Or a noise canceling wall of some sort.

9. No flight attendants over 250 lbs. If you are wider than the aisle at your widest point, then you cannot work a flight of more than 3 hrs. I have bruises on my right shoulder from being run into by the flight attendant at least 10 times.

10. How about a snack/beverage cart that doesn’t have steel reinforcement on the sides that breaks bones and cuts like a butcher knife and causes major knee injuries? Is that a possibility?